Mizuno Ami’s Journal

I’ve been very busy with preparations the past few days. I have only a few more things to do and then I will be in the United States. I have a few posts of Ask Ami scheduled to post while I am settling in, but for now I must get ready to go to the party that the others are giving for me to send me off.

It was supposed to be a surprise, but Usagi-chan let slip. I’m glad she did really because I would have been even more overwhelmed if I hadn’t had a few days to prepare. My friends are so loving and so kind and generous, and I can’t help but feel still that I might be making the wrong decision to go and study in America, no matter how much they assure me that I am not.

Hopefully it will not be too long before I can pick up and let everyone know how things are going, but I’m not sure how I will set up internet over there, or what will happen with my phone. I love you all. You are so dear to me.

Rei-chan asked us to help her with something. It turned out to be a competition between her and Aino Minako. It was a bit shocking, to say the least. Apparently she was willing to become an idol…I have to think there was something behind it given her distaste for all things karaoke.
Mako-chan and I played for Rei’s team, and Usagi and Luna for Minako’s. I think the meaning behind it was for us all to do something together as friends. We did all have fun as a group. I’ll have to post some pictures. I still need to post pictures from when Rei-chan and I had the camp-out at CROWN.

Minako-san’s new song is great, though. “Kiss-kiss, bang-bang!” I’m sure Usagi-chan’s going to be singing it for a long time.

Jupiter has awakened. She is amazing. The raw power that she can command…it’s breath-taking but also very scary.

After we left CROWN last night we ran into Motoki-onii-san he told us that Mako-chan had turned him down. We were trying to track down where she was at to find out if she was okay when she called us and said there were youma attacking her.

We were making her way to the lake to help her when we were stopped by youma of “our own”, they were strange, melting up from the pavement, unusual for youma. Rei said they felt weaker than youma we’d fought before, but youma they still were, so we transformed to fight them.

The appearing and reappearing was confusing us and keeping us off guard until Venus appeared to help us, and we were able to defeat them to go and help Mako-chan.

When we found her she was holding her hands together in front of her standing beneath a tree. The sky turned from day to night as thunder clouds rumbled overhead and lightning flashed and struck her, but she absorbed it. She didn’t seem to hear us when we called out to her.

“The power of Jupiter is awakening,” Venus told us.

When she finally opened her eyes she snatched more lightning from the sky, thunder clapped around us. Jupiter called a power we hadn’t heard before, and destroyed the youma that remained nearby with a brilliant burst of crackling green energy as it dissipated the daylight returned.

Mako-chan turned to us, “It’s because I’ve always been alone,” she said, and then she looked at Venus and said, “I…understand. It was necessary for it to be like that forme to end up alone, listening to the wind. All of it has been decided for us since our past lives, that’s why I’m okay alone.”

Both Moon and I tried to protest given she’s such a good friend but she told us that it didn’t mean she wouldn’t be friends with us any more, that it was hard for her to put it into words but that it all came from the past lives we shared.

Here’s some pictures that I took, and some that Mako-chan and Usagi-chan took, at the party we had on Saturday.

We all had to pose with the party pop streamer things.

Then I made everyone pose without them. (Usagi-chan insisted on taking my picture too).

Usagi-chan dancing.

(Taken by Mako-chan) Usagi-chan and I singing karaoke. ‘C’est la Vie’ by Aino Minako-san (but of course!). The rest are assorted pictures of us having fun taken by either myself or Usagi-chan.

Minna-san threw a party for me, which was nice. I was considering it a little unnecessary, but it certainly brought home to me the togetherness that we have. We took a few pictures.

We sang karaoke, and had lots of good food thanks to Mako-chan.
Luna says starting this week, she will be training us with new methods, hoping to awaken more fully past memories of being senshi in Makoto and myself. I’m sure this will be tricky, this sort of thing is what’s been making me think in depth about past lives and so on. I’ve been looking at some books, but I’m really tired right now. I’ll hold this entry until I have the pictures.

EDIT:
I decided I would post the entry anyway…as I’ve not been as quick at getting the pictures sorted out as I would liked to have been.
So, I will post it now, and post another entry with pictures in later.

I feel blessed to have such wonderful friends!
Usagi-chan and the others have been catching me up on a lot of things. I’m in shock that Chiba-san would have left for London, but as I think about it, I think it might be for the best. He and Usagi-chan can both get their heads cleared, we can all work out what it means about the Moon Kingdom, and past lives, and perhaps…well who knows. Just because you’re with someone in another life doesn’t mean that you have to be with them in this one. To my way of thinking if you’re reincarnated it would be to experience varied things; but it’s a confusing topic on the whole. I’d much rather focus on this life, especially considering what happened recently, but then to recall memories of being a senshi might help with our understanding of what are duties are, and our abilities and to complete those tasks we have this time around much better.

I thought I would make use of the previous events, process them, by practicing my writing of fiction recounting what happened over the past few days.

 *****

Where–?
I look around, feeling cold and numb. Confused. I don’t remember coming here. I don’t know where here is, it looks vaguely familiar. White tile floors, glaring light…brightly lit due to all the windows around the place, but a darker paneled wall. Someone laying on the floor, slumped as though out cold or…worse…I look down at them, my eyes focusing on the identity of the shape more than the fact that they’re there: blue skirt, white bodice, long blonde hair in a sickeningly familiar odango style.
“Usagi…”
I look down, catching for the first time the fact that there’s something gripped tightly in my hand, a translucent white weapon a sword made of ice. I look over at Sailormoon again, feeling as though I want to vomit…no…

I did as you said, Ami-chan, I’m by myself.

Which one of you will I fight first? Sayonara, watashi no tomadachi…

“No…” I sink to my knees, casting the sword aside, as though this is going to make up for the severity of my transgression. I put my hands on her shoulders, noticing the shattered fragments of the crystal part of the moon wand, the handle is still clutched in her hand, “No…Usagi-chan…” tears prick my eyes, but I can’t shed them. I’m too cold. I cradle her towards me, and the tiara falls from her head, breaking on the floor. So many thoughts whirl around me that the only way to let them out is to scream.

I’m aware of someone grabbing me roughly around the waist and pulling me to my feet, but all I can think of is getting back to Usagi.

The surroundings change abruptly, and we’re by ourselves, looking more normal. I cradle Usagi in my lap, brushing her face, wishing I could take my own heat and transfer it to her, somehow fix this…but maybe it won’t, it’s too late. I wasn’t strong enough to fight myself, the desire to hurt, where did it? Why did it? Why did I? Why couldn’t I stop myself? Not only did I betray my friend, but I betrayed my princess…
“I’m so sorry…” the tears come then, and I bury my head against her for a moment, and then jump when I feel movement, and I feel her touching the top of my head.
“Ami-chan,” she says, softly, “You’re alright, you came back…I’m so glad…”
I pull away from her, turning towards the trees, taking in for the first time where we are. Some kind of garden? Jungle? There’s water nearby…Kunzite brought us here, I have betrayed him by returning to normal, why didn’t he just make sure we were both dead while I was in shock?
“Ami-chan?” Usagi asks, seeking out my face, I can’t look at her…
“We should get out of here,” I say, pulling myself to my feet, “try and find a way out…the general Kunzite must have put us here, it’s probably a trap. Are you—,” I almost choke, “Are you okay to walk?”
She nods, getting to her feet slowly. I’m hesitant to offer her a hand. Why is she being so nice to me? I’ve been awful…I turned everyone at school against her. I tried to kill her so many times…I…
“Are you okay, Ami-chan?”
I nod, slowly. I shouldn’t be, but I am.
“Alright, then,” she says, “Let’s go. What seems like a good direction?”
“I don’t know,” I say, slowly.
Usagi peers at me, and then offers a reassuring smile, “Well, how about this way?” she says, pointing off through the trees.
I look up into the sky, trying to see if we’re really in a jungle or just some kind of fabrication, and then off towards the direction she pointed, “It’s okay,” I say.
“Ami-chan…” she says, with a giggle, “It’s alright, really,” and she hugs me, making me want to cry even more, “It’s alright, I’m alright, see?” she bounces around in a circle, “No harm done.”
How can you say that? I—I tried to—I tried to kill you…
“Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, and the moon stick or the crystal they usually shield me from attacks, I was just drained that’s all…”
“But…”
“It wasn’t you—you were being controlled by Kunzite. No one blames you…” she grabs for my arm and I see it, pulling back, stung, the bracelet, black and dark, huge, like a heavyweight, “Ami-chan?” she asks, not sure why I pulled away, I suppose.
I claw at the bracelet, scratching myself, tearing it from my wrist and throwing it down on the ground.
“Can we go now?” she asks.
I nod, and we set off down the path.

It’s hot and sticky, just as you would imagine a real jungle to be. I don’t recall seeing anything like this when I was in the Dark Kingdom, but thinking about wandering the dark caves and dripping shadows, makes my skin crawl. I remember that feeling too, as though I was itching inside my own skin, when Makoto came to my apartment looking for me.
Usagi leads me by the arm, saying she doesn’t want us to get separated.
“What day is it? How long was I gone?”
“Worry about that when we get out of here, right?” then she pauses and turns back to me, “You don’t remember?”
“I…I see bits and pieces.”
I hear the crash as my sword cuts through the crystal of the wand and she slumps to the floor. If I did that…what else have I done?
How could I believe they didn’t care about me?
How could I turn on them?
I used to feel so bad when people would turn against me, and then the only true friends I’ve ever know…I forsook.
Usagi bounces along, looking at everything, apparently none the worse for wear. I chew on my lip. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve any of them.
But are we? I remember how we were always by ourselves those last few months. I would spend time at CROWN talking with Luna. Usagi was off chasing Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen, Rei was trying to find the princess, Makoto chasing Usagi or Motoki. Usagi screams. I whirl around.
“Moon Prism Power, make up!” nothing happens. I don’t even feel the well of energy that we usually feel when each other henshins, “Moon Prism Power, make up!” she tries again, “What?” she demands, “Ami-chan you try.”
“I can’t…”
She drags me along for a little bit, “I think we threw it off. Ami-chan…what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“Leave me here,” I tell her, “Please, just leave me. Save yourself, go home. I can’t…”
“What are you talking about? Of course you can…you’re better now, its fine.”
I shake my head, “I did all those things…”
“Ami-chan, please…” she says, pulling at my arm, pulling me along, “Come on. You can’t—that wasn’t your fault.”
“I wasn’t strong enough.”
She stops all of a sudden, “We’re going in circles, look!” she points.
On the ground is the black strapped bracelet.
I look away from her, on the pretense of looking around, “I think the youma is coming back. You should go.”
“I’m not leaving you here!” she protests, “We’re friends. Come on.”
“Are we?”
“Of course, we are!” she exclaims, “You think I’d stop being friends with you because of what happened? That wasn’t your fault, and if the others are going to be bad about it, then I’ll—I’ll give them a good talking to!” she nods, firmly, typical Usagi resolve, I would possibly laugh if I didn’t feel so terrible, “We’re all your friends, all of us, always, because well, that’s the way it is.”
“I don’t know. We weren’t together at all, before, I remember that. All of us off doing other things, that didn’t seem very friendly. I suppose—I suppose that was what made me think that…” I stop, “made it easier for me to believe the nagging in my head,” I find myself tapping my temple, “None of us were talking to each other; we were all keeping secrets…”
Usagi takes my hand, I realize I’m sitting on the ground, staring at a small patch of grass, as if I could see the ants crawling, “We know better now. I’m not going to say we’d all be together every second because, well, for one, Rei-chan would probably get really sick of me…but we’re still friends, Ami-chan, come on…you have to come with me. Can you imagine what Rei-chan and Mako-chan will do to me if they find out I left you behind? Not to mention Luna…”
I give her a half hearted smile, but shake my head.
Then she smacks me.
I look up at her, rubbing my cheek, staring in disbelief, “U-Usagi-chan!”
Tears are coming down her cheeks, I hadn’t realized how upset she was, not being able to look at her while she was talking, “Gomen nasai…” she mumbles, “but please, stop it! Please! You’re not evil—please, believe me, its okay. Please!”
“I—I want to, Usagi-chan, but…”
“No buts!” she exclaims, hauling me to my feet and throwing her arms around me, “You went all by yourself to get me back from Kunzite, and now I’ve been able to repay you. That’s what it’s about. Would you have been mad at me if I’d tried to hurt you as a youma?”
I shake my head, tears falling down my cheeks again, “No, of course not…” I mumble.
She nods, and pulls back, “So, why do you think I should be mad at you?”
I look down at the ground again.
“You’re supposed to be smart, Ami-chan!” she chides, and then gasps, “It’s here, again.”
We run straight ahead, but wind up back at the bracelet. Usagi kicks it frustrated. What should we expect from a garden that’s probably in the Dark Kingdom? It’s like a nightmare.
“Maybe the way out is the way in…” I suggest, “Only the one door?”
“Then we should go back to where we were when I woke up?” she asks, “Okay, plan!” she grabs hold of my arm, and pulls me back off in the opposite direction.

This new idea, seems to have worked, we don’t pass the bracelet, again. I don’t think Usagi kicked it far enough to be not visible to us, and then we see it, a ripple, much like the one that Usagi followed Rei through when she first became Sailor Mars.
“How did you open the portal to Rei-chan and me?” Usagi asks.
“I was Sailor Mercury,” I point out, “and we can’t henshin…”
“I can’t henshin,” Usagi points out, “You never actually tried.”
“Mercury Power, make up!” I call, not really thinking it will work, anyway, given I’m now bracelet-less. Maybe my senshi ability has been taken, which I could understand, I don’t really deserve it any more.
Nothing happens. I’m not even really feeling the water and it’s right there next to us.
“Look!” Usagi says, grabbing my arm.
In front of us, Makoto and Rei, along with a small white cat, like Luna, Venus’s cat, whose name I don’t recall. I can’t believe it. I feel myself, smiling, despite the fact that I’m crying again, “Mako-chan…Rei-chan…”
“Ami-chan…” Rei says, giving a shy smile.
“Ami-chan, is it really you?”
“See!” Usagi exclaims, beaming, I’m not sure if it’s to me or them, “I told you!”
We each reach out to each other, and then with a blinding flash, we’re all standing together in the room where I attacked Usagi not moments earlier.
“You came back!”
Then, I’m not sure who initiates it, but we’re all hugging each other, and crying. Relief washing over me like a comforting bath.

RUN
{if user=mercury
keyseq=******
goto END
{if user=mercury
keyseq=NULL
value=undisclosed
goto upload
file=bestwishes.doc to journal ami_chan password=undisclosed
}END

******
displaydisplaydisplay
******Minna-san,
If you are reading this I am so sorry that I have let you down. I wish that you would not have to be reading this, because I know I will be missing you dearly if I am not with you; you have all been the truest friends I have ever known.
This is the result of me thinking about contigencies far too much, but if something ever happens I want to be sure you understand how much you have all meant to me, becauseI know I’m not the strongest of us by any means, there are many times I consider I would be the weakest link.
To that end, I have set this up so that it will beep my phone every so often, and if there are a certain number of times I do not respond and tell the computer not to, it will send this to here so that you can read it.

Usagi-chan,
you have some much heart and so much raw power, you don’t even know. Please don’t cry so much. I’m sure you tried your hardest to save me. I feel sure you could resurrect the dead, if you tried hard enough, but don’t take this as a challenge and kill yourself trying to do so.
You were my first friend, the first person who genuinely tried to get to know me for me, and to show me how rewarding friendship was truly supposed to be. You will always be dear to me. I’m so sorry that I’ve let you down.

Rei-chan,
Hontoni gomen nasai, because I have broken your trust and done to you what you had feared. I am so sorry to betray the promise I made, and to cause you further pain.
I truly did not wish for this to happen.
I wish we could have shared more time together. You are always so practical, and honest, with your advice. I wish I had listened to you more, and allowed myself to believe what you were telling me, because it was the truth, always.
Please don’t be rash.
Please be patient with Usagi-chan. I believe with all my heart that things will work out.
Have faith. That is one of your greatest strengths.

Mako-chan,
I wish I had your strength. You are so powerful, so forthright, so many things I could never be.
Please don’t do anything stupid…I mean, that will get you hurt again.
I am so very glad that you found us. I know you will continue to do your best–nothing can stand in your way, you won’t let it.
I hope you find your true love, and will continue to help Usagi-chan with hers.

Last but not least, Luna-san. I am sorry I was not able to be what you had hoped, and do what you had wished, or be as strong as I should be.
You are so very sweet, and knowledgable, hopefully you can continue on.
I wish you the best.
You will be able to work with the princess some day I know it.
May you unlock the rest of your secrets, also.

I hope, at least, I was able to accomplish something. Minna-san knows well how I dislike not being useful.
Perhaps we would be able to work side by side with Sailor Venus now. I am sorry to let every one down; to not be able to guard the princess to the best of my ability.
I know I must miss you all and love you dearly, because of how it upsets me to be writing this, but I would feel worse if something happened and I had not been able to.
As if I hadn’t said it enough, I am truly sorry.

Please perservere and win,
Ami-chan.

Since it was pointed out to me that I have not posted certain pictures of things which happened quite some time ago, or a certain picture of myself which Usagi-chan took…without further ado, here they are:

Hallowe’en Time:

That is Usagi-chan in the bear suit-I swear! And a couple of pictures she got of me dressed up as a cat.

Sleepover

Firstly I must say that if you see a book with the title below: do NOT buy it!

Now onto the pictures of minna-san having fun:

And here is when we tried out make-up. Minna-san didn’t do so badly, but I…I’ve never really used make-up before. I look like a clown!

Usagi-chan snapped this picture of me without my glasses on. I wasn’t so happy about it at the time, but I’m getting more used to being without them:

I better show the picture of myself in the kimono that Usagi-chan took also:

Nako-Nako

From when minna-san were going through the Nako-nako phase. Usagi-chan stayed up working on her costume.

Last but not least a couple of pictures of Motoki-onii-san for Mako-chan:

Osaka-san and I seem to have sorted out our difference. In the sense that I don’t feel like she’s trying to push me out any more, and she doesn’t get mad if I breath near Usagi-chan, but…I guess it’s just my nature to be wary and feel bad about these things. I suppose I still not quite got the hang of social interactions. I’m always afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing, or do something wrong.
Rei-chan is right though, no one is ever going to be 100% perfect so I should stop worrying so much about it, and thinking I’m a bad person when I have a negative thought. It’s so hard though! At least for me. Maybe it’s easier for other people in that respect. I don’t want to become a nasty person, I just wish I didn’t take things so very hard.
I’m also glad that Mako-chan is now alright. We had a hard time with a youma who was making holes appear in the ground and abducting people. It almost took Mako-chan, but we were able to save her. Then, the next day, it did take Osaka-san (she doesn’t remember though), and that’s when I was feeling really guilty because I thought maybe my ill feelings about the whole Usagi-Osaka-me situation had caused me not to try so hard to save her.
We were able to pool our talents together, and save her, and the other people from the youma. So, that was good.
Apparently this is not her first near brush with a youma. She and Usagi-chan encountered one yesterday, when Mako-chan, Rei-chan and myself were out investigating the disappearances.
I wonder if other civilians we’re close to will be put in danger because of what we do…there was that youma at the hospital… Oh, I shouldn’t think about these things!!