Mizuno Ami’s Journal

I read back through the previous entries and I feel as though I am in a waking nightmare. I cannot believe that these are me…but I remember sitting at the keyboard and typing them. I can see so clearly interacting with Nephrite…walking…fighting with the senshi, with my friends…trying to kill Venus, being angry at Kunzite for not allowing me the pleasure of killing Moon…no Hime-san, our princess.

Usagi…she is okay with me. She hugged me. We all hugged. There was such elation. It is wonderful to be free of the clouds, and they say that they understand, it wasn’t me, it was the Dark Kingdom’s influence, but that doesn’t change the fact that I remember it all. I remember doing those things. I can feel the weight of the sword in my hand, feel my face smirking at them, calling Usagi “Tsukino-san” turning everyone at the school against her…
…yet she tells me it’s alright.

How can she forgive me?
How can the others?

side note: …and what’s with Luna?

I will have to remake my journal…just seeing the picture makes me go cold and want to hide in the bathroom, being sick. I am so afraid…afraid that I will wake up and I will still be there, that I will wake up and find I have killed Usagi, and we are standing by her grave and I am laughing about it…or trying to stab Makoto and Rei through the back while they stand by Usagi’s grave.
I must not forget that it happened. I cannot pretend that it did not…so I will not delete the entries that I made then…as I was tempted to do just before, but that can be a sufficient reminder. I can look back and realize how lucky I am that Usagi forgave me enough to heal me, even if I don’t understand. I suppose that shows she is the greater of them. The Dark Kingdom tried to kill me for turning my back on them, but Usagi forgave me for turning my back on the senshi, and brought me home.

In the mean time I am very, very nervous about going back to school on Monday. I’m trying to find notes that I made in the mean time, I need to find out where we are in our studies, to see if I have missed anything. My memories are still foggy, and I’m a little afraid to look in my notebooks right now, worried that I will find rather graphic doodles with the severed heads of my friends in them, perhaps cats on…

I’m going to stop thinking about that right now, also.
I should go down to CROWN, sitting here by myself is not doing me any good. I’m nervous about that too, though, but I can go. I’m allowed. Plus it will be good way to assure myself what is real and what is not.