Mizuno Ami’s Journal

Minna-san threw a party for me, which was nice. I was considering it a little unnecessary, but it certainly brought home to me the togetherness that we have. We took a few pictures.

We sang karaoke, and had lots of good food thanks to Mako-chan.
Luna says starting this week, she will be training us with new methods, hoping to awaken more fully past memories of being senshi in Makoto and myself. I’m sure this will be tricky, this sort of thing is what’s been making me think in depth about past lives and so on. I’ve been looking at some books, but I’m really tired right now. I’ll hold this entry until I have the pictures.

EDIT:
I decided I would post the entry anyway…as I’ve not been as quick at getting the pictures sorted out as I would liked to have been.
So, I will post it now, and post another entry with pictures in later.

I feel blessed to have such wonderful friends!
Usagi-chan and the others have been catching me up on a lot of things. I’m in shock that Chiba-san would have left for London, but as I think about it, I think it might be for the best. He and Usagi-chan can both get their heads cleared, we can all work out what it means about the Moon Kingdom, and past lives, and perhaps…well who knows. Just because you’re with someone in another life doesn’t mean that you have to be with them in this one. To my way of thinking if you’re reincarnated it would be to experience varied things; but it’s a confusing topic on the whole. I’d much rather focus on this life, especially considering what happened recently, but then to recall memories of being a senshi might help with our understanding of what are duties are, and our abilities and to complete those tasks we have this time around much better.

I thought I would make use of the previous events, process them, by practicing my writing of fiction recounting what happened over the past few days.

 *****

Where–?
I look around, feeling cold and numb. Confused. I don’t remember coming here. I don’t know where here is, it looks vaguely familiar. White tile floors, glaring light…brightly lit due to all the windows around the place, but a darker paneled wall. Someone laying on the floor, slumped as though out cold or…worse…I look down at them, my eyes focusing on the identity of the shape more than the fact that they’re there: blue skirt, white bodice, long blonde hair in a sickeningly familiar odango style.
“Usagi…”
I look down, catching for the first time the fact that there’s something gripped tightly in my hand, a translucent white weapon a sword made of ice. I look over at Sailormoon again, feeling as though I want to vomit…no…

I did as you said, Ami-chan, I’m by myself.

Which one of you will I fight first? Sayonara, watashi no tomadachi…

“No…” I sink to my knees, casting the sword aside, as though this is going to make up for the severity of my transgression. I put my hands on her shoulders, noticing the shattered fragments of the crystal part of the moon wand, the handle is still clutched in her hand, “No…Usagi-chan…” tears prick my eyes, but I can’t shed them. I’m too cold. I cradle her towards me, and the tiara falls from her head, breaking on the floor. So many thoughts whirl around me that the only way to let them out is to scream.

I’m aware of someone grabbing me roughly around the waist and pulling me to my feet, but all I can think of is getting back to Usagi.

The surroundings change abruptly, and we’re by ourselves, looking more normal. I cradle Usagi in my lap, brushing her face, wishing I could take my own heat and transfer it to her, somehow fix this…but maybe it won’t, it’s too late. I wasn’t strong enough to fight myself, the desire to hurt, where did it? Why did it? Why did I? Why couldn’t I stop myself? Not only did I betray my friend, but I betrayed my princess…
“I’m so sorry…” the tears come then, and I bury my head against her for a moment, and then jump when I feel movement, and I feel her touching the top of my head.
“Ami-chan,” she says, softly, “You’re alright, you came back…I’m so glad…”
I pull away from her, turning towards the trees, taking in for the first time where we are. Some kind of garden? Jungle? There’s water nearby…Kunzite brought us here, I have betrayed him by returning to normal, why didn’t he just make sure we were both dead while I was in shock?
“Ami-chan?” Usagi asks, seeking out my face, I can’t look at her…
“We should get out of here,” I say, pulling myself to my feet, “try and find a way out…the general Kunzite must have put us here, it’s probably a trap. Are you—,” I almost choke, “Are you okay to walk?”
She nods, getting to her feet slowly. I’m hesitant to offer her a hand. Why is she being so nice to me? I’ve been awful…I turned everyone at school against her. I tried to kill her so many times…I…
“Are you okay, Ami-chan?”
I nod, slowly. I shouldn’t be, but I am.
“Alright, then,” she says, “Let’s go. What seems like a good direction?”
“I don’t know,” I say, slowly.
Usagi peers at me, and then offers a reassuring smile, “Well, how about this way?” she says, pointing off through the trees.
I look up into the sky, trying to see if we’re really in a jungle or just some kind of fabrication, and then off towards the direction she pointed, “It’s okay,” I say.
“Ami-chan…” she says, with a giggle, “It’s alright, really,” and she hugs me, making me want to cry even more, “It’s alright, I’m alright, see?” she bounces around in a circle, “No harm done.”
How can you say that? I—I tried to—I tried to kill you…
“Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, and the moon stick or the crystal they usually shield me from attacks, I was just drained that’s all…”
“But…”
“It wasn’t you—you were being controlled by Kunzite. No one blames you…” she grabs for my arm and I see it, pulling back, stung, the bracelet, black and dark, huge, like a heavyweight, “Ami-chan?” she asks, not sure why I pulled away, I suppose.
I claw at the bracelet, scratching myself, tearing it from my wrist and throwing it down on the ground.
“Can we go now?” she asks.
I nod, and we set off down the path.

It’s hot and sticky, just as you would imagine a real jungle to be. I don’t recall seeing anything like this when I was in the Dark Kingdom, but thinking about wandering the dark caves and dripping shadows, makes my skin crawl. I remember that feeling too, as though I was itching inside my own skin, when Makoto came to my apartment looking for me.
Usagi leads me by the arm, saying she doesn’t want us to get separated.
“What day is it? How long was I gone?”
“Worry about that when we get out of here, right?” then she pauses and turns back to me, “You don’t remember?”
“I…I see bits and pieces.”
I hear the crash as my sword cuts through the crystal of the wand and she slumps to the floor. If I did that…what else have I done?
How could I believe they didn’t care about me?
How could I turn on them?
I used to feel so bad when people would turn against me, and then the only true friends I’ve ever know…I forsook.
Usagi bounces along, looking at everything, apparently none the worse for wear. I chew on my lip. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve any of them.
But are we? I remember how we were always by ourselves those last few months. I would spend time at CROWN talking with Luna. Usagi was off chasing Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen, Rei was trying to find the princess, Makoto chasing Usagi or Motoki. Usagi screams. I whirl around.
“Moon Prism Power, make up!” nothing happens. I don’t even feel the well of energy that we usually feel when each other henshins, “Moon Prism Power, make up!” she tries again, “What?” she demands, “Ami-chan you try.”
“I can’t…”
She drags me along for a little bit, “I think we threw it off. Ami-chan…what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“Leave me here,” I tell her, “Please, just leave me. Save yourself, go home. I can’t…”
“What are you talking about? Of course you can…you’re better now, its fine.”
I shake my head, “I did all those things…”
“Ami-chan, please…” she says, pulling at my arm, pulling me along, “Come on. You can’t—that wasn’t your fault.”
“I wasn’t strong enough.”
She stops all of a sudden, “We’re going in circles, look!” she points.
On the ground is the black strapped bracelet.
I look away from her, on the pretense of looking around, “I think the youma is coming back. You should go.”
“I’m not leaving you here!” she protests, “We’re friends. Come on.”
“Are we?”
“Of course, we are!” she exclaims, “You think I’d stop being friends with you because of what happened? That wasn’t your fault, and if the others are going to be bad about it, then I’ll—I’ll give them a good talking to!” she nods, firmly, typical Usagi resolve, I would possibly laugh if I didn’t feel so terrible, “We’re all your friends, all of us, always, because well, that’s the way it is.”
“I don’t know. We weren’t together at all, before, I remember that. All of us off doing other things, that didn’t seem very friendly. I suppose—I suppose that was what made me think that…” I stop, “made it easier for me to believe the nagging in my head,” I find myself tapping my temple, “None of us were talking to each other; we were all keeping secrets…”
Usagi takes my hand, I realize I’m sitting on the ground, staring at a small patch of grass, as if I could see the ants crawling, “We know better now. I’m not going to say we’d all be together every second because, well, for one, Rei-chan would probably get really sick of me…but we’re still friends, Ami-chan, come on…you have to come with me. Can you imagine what Rei-chan and Mako-chan will do to me if they find out I left you behind? Not to mention Luna…”
I give her a half hearted smile, but shake my head.
Then she smacks me.
I look up at her, rubbing my cheek, staring in disbelief, “U-Usagi-chan!”
Tears are coming down her cheeks, I hadn’t realized how upset she was, not being able to look at her while she was talking, “Gomen nasai…” she mumbles, “but please, stop it! Please! You’re not evil—please, believe me, its okay. Please!”
“I—I want to, Usagi-chan, but…”
“No buts!” she exclaims, hauling me to my feet and throwing her arms around me, “You went all by yourself to get me back from Kunzite, and now I’ve been able to repay you. That’s what it’s about. Would you have been mad at me if I’d tried to hurt you as a youma?”
I shake my head, tears falling down my cheeks again, “No, of course not…” I mumble.
She nods, and pulls back, “So, why do you think I should be mad at you?”
I look down at the ground again.
“You’re supposed to be smart, Ami-chan!” she chides, and then gasps, “It’s here, again.”
We run straight ahead, but wind up back at the bracelet. Usagi kicks it frustrated. What should we expect from a garden that’s probably in the Dark Kingdom? It’s like a nightmare.
“Maybe the way out is the way in…” I suggest, “Only the one door?”
“Then we should go back to where we were when I woke up?” she asks, “Okay, plan!” she grabs hold of my arm, and pulls me back off in the opposite direction.

This new idea, seems to have worked, we don’t pass the bracelet, again. I don’t think Usagi kicked it far enough to be not visible to us, and then we see it, a ripple, much like the one that Usagi followed Rei through when she first became Sailor Mars.
“How did you open the portal to Rei-chan and me?” Usagi asks.
“I was Sailor Mercury,” I point out, “and we can’t henshin…”
“I can’t henshin,” Usagi points out, “You never actually tried.”
“Mercury Power, make up!” I call, not really thinking it will work, anyway, given I’m now bracelet-less. Maybe my senshi ability has been taken, which I could understand, I don’t really deserve it any more.
Nothing happens. I’m not even really feeling the water and it’s right there next to us.
“Look!” Usagi says, grabbing my arm.
In front of us, Makoto and Rei, along with a small white cat, like Luna, Venus’s cat, whose name I don’t recall. I can’t believe it. I feel myself, smiling, despite the fact that I’m crying again, “Mako-chan…Rei-chan…”
“Ami-chan…” Rei says, giving a shy smile.
“Ami-chan, is it really you?”
“See!” Usagi exclaims, beaming, I’m not sure if it’s to me or them, “I told you!”
We each reach out to each other, and then with a blinding flash, we’re all standing together in the room where I attacked Usagi not moments earlier.
“You came back!”
Then, I’m not sure who initiates it, but we’re all hugging each other, and crying. Relief washing over me like a comforting bath.

I read back through the previous entries and I feel as though I am in a waking nightmare. I cannot believe that these are me…but I remember sitting at the keyboard and typing them. I can see so clearly interacting with Nephrite…walking…fighting with the senshi, with my friends…trying to kill Venus, being angry at Kunzite for not allowing me the pleasure of killing Moon…no Hime-san, our princess.

Usagi…she is okay with me. She hugged me. We all hugged. There was such elation. It is wonderful to be free of the clouds, and they say that they understand, it wasn’t me, it was the Dark Kingdom’s influence, but that doesn’t change the fact that I remember it all. I remember doing those things. I can feel the weight of the sword in my hand, feel my face smirking at them, calling Usagi “Tsukino-san” turning everyone at the school against her…
…yet she tells me it’s alright.

How can she forgive me?
How can the others?

side note: …and what’s with Luna?

I will have to remake my journal…just seeing the picture makes me go cold and want to hide in the bathroom, being sick. I am so afraid…afraid that I will wake up and I will still be there, that I will wake up and find I have killed Usagi, and we are standing by her grave and I am laughing about it…or trying to stab Makoto and Rei through the back while they stand by Usagi’s grave.
I must not forget that it happened. I cannot pretend that it did not…so I will not delete the entries that I made then…as I was tempted to do just before, but that can be a sufficient reminder. I can look back and realize how lucky I am that Usagi forgave me enough to heal me, even if I don’t understand. I suppose that shows she is the greater of them. The Dark Kingdom tried to kill me for turning my back on them, but Usagi forgave me for turning my back on the senshi, and brought me home.

In the mean time I am very, very nervous about going back to school on Monday. I’m trying to find notes that I made in the mean time, I need to find out where we are in our studies, to see if I have missed anything. My memories are still foggy, and I’m a little afraid to look in my notebooks right now, worried that I will find rather graphic doodles with the severed heads of my friends in them, perhaps cats on…

I’m going to stop thinking about that right now, also.
I should go down to CROWN, sitting here by myself is not doing me any good. I’m nervous about that too, though, but I can go. I’m allowed. Plus it will be good way to assure myself what is real and what is not.

Momentarily the plot goes in to action. I have called her on the phone. She insists that she will follow through and come to meet me by herself. It’s her own fault for reminding me I had this thing. It is.
Sadly enough, for her, I do believe that she will actually come by herself. She’s so naive. She misses ‘Ami-chan’ so much…if her other phone message is to be believed.

Kunzite…I’m not trusting to be in on the action, or not be in on the action. He has this quirky look about him while he was watching me make the call. Making sideways comments, I–part of me, wants to say that this will resolve it one way or another. I have developing…inside me a strong desire…to…

It matters not!
I will go and meet Usagi and she will die. I have been strong enough to resist her sappy pink brainwashing before.

I am officially what is the appropriate word? *squicked* I think.
A small blue haired child in a hideous yellow sailor fuku challenged me, earlier. I think she -did- have cat ears and a tail, now that I consider it. This is a new sailor senshi? This is what they came up with to replace me?
I’m rather confused, annoyed, pained…just being around her was…
I haven’t mentioned it to Kunzite. He’s been watching me a lot more lately. I don’t think the Dark Kingdom is all that familiar with the concept of an on-line journal. I…

need to get out of here…I need to…
be in control of my own head.

I had a message on the phone I’d forgotten I still have. It was from Tsukino-san vowing that soon, soon she would bring me back, and that she hadn’t forgotten me, none of them have, blah-blah-blah.
It’s given me an idea, but it pains me.
I spent the morning out on the roof again. Kunzite doesn’t seem to care. I think he has other things on his mind since ‘Those Events’. Besides the object of his vengance seems to have left the area.

I also have someone asking me what I feel about Kunzite, and why I take pity on Nephrite. Nephrite–he no longer seems to be able to do anything, and I hear that killing him would be too much like stepping on an ant. Perhaps in some respects Nephrite reminds me of the way I used to be, unable to do much of anything, by himself, wanting to do well, wanting to be useful, but not being able to…
Kunzite has said that Nephrite should be left alone, so there’s been occassion where I’ve been tempted to do so, anyway–he (Kunzite) did take the opportunity of a Moon kill from me.
*curses* and there’s that pain again. It needs to stop!!
Contact between Kunzite and myself is strained. I feel more as though he is mocking my every move, dogging my steps, waiting, watching, smirking…a little scary.
I’m going to go out to the roof again, see if it will clear my head and I can formulate my actions. If she’s going to start calling me and leaving cute messages, she definitely needs to pay.