Today is mega-clean day. I had enough energy yesterday to actually make a whole meal from scratch so I think I can clean. I started sweeping the floor last night. Perhaps if I get the munchkin to help me he’ll be less rambunctious.

Other than that the plans involve checking the bank account and rearranging money once more to see if we can wangle other things, like perhaps buying groceries some time soon. There’s going to be a point where we run out of staples.

How I miss milkmen right now! But in Florida they would wind up being the cream cheese man!

It’s nice to have a little bit of breathing room in our financial situation. The mortgage has gone through and we have a few days until another bill because of the holiday. Still I’m not going grocery shopping until after payday, and we’ll see how that happens.

I’m so incredibly grateful for all the help and support we received over the past few days. I’m going to keep the tarot special open until July 12th, because that’s the last date I’ve already got someone booked as wanting a tarot reading, and so it’s only fair.

We’ll see what else things bring.

I’ve been learning how to stretch food because of not going grocery shopping and a friend of mine suggested I look at a website called SuperCook and already I’m in love. It’s great. You add to a list the ingredients that you have and it automatically pulls up compatible recipes. For example just before I put in a bunch of ingredients and because I put in chicken, curry powder, milk it started bringing up various curry recipes the top one said “do you also have garlic powder?” and I clicked yes, and voila a recipe.

Then I was plugging in cocoa powder, flower and eggs because I was wanting to see if it could suggest a good brownie recipe and it asked if I had ricotta cheese, and I got this great recipe for low fat muffins using ricotta cheese and low fat milk and canola oil, and they’re delicious!

The munchkin definitely seemed to enjoy them.

I’m bookmarking supercooks for future meals, not just when I’m short on groceries and can’t go shopping. Everything was really good and a lot healthier than me just doing a special fried rice, even with the chocolate muffins.

I got more paperwork to fill out the other day, on top of the pages and pages of applications and things that I’ve already sent in, and it’s really draining me. It’s just thoroughly kicking my ass. The more I fill out the more I feel like a failure.

I posted something to that effect on punkymoms and the girls have been offering tips and support to help cheer me up and it’s working to a point. Hopefully I can focus more on the positive than the negative. This is supposed to be a Thankful Thursday and instead I feel like a complete waste of space.

I’ve had to sit down and list everything I can’t do that I should be able to do/used to be able to do, and reading 8 pages of how much I suck…really brings a person down. I know this is meant to be that way to show WHY you need disability assistance. If I was able to remember things for more than a few minutes, sprint up flights of stairs, lift more than 30lbs and carry it, manage our finances and all the rest of it…then I could get and hold a damn job and wouldn’t need the application…but urgh.

While my husband was home for lunch I got the last half of the pages filled. I hope they don’t send me any more things like this, because I really don’t want to be reminded that I’m not holding things together, I’m screwing up our finances, and ruining my son’s life because I can’t discipline him properly, or carry him for very long…that we run around in the same clothes two some times three days in a row because we don’t leave the house and I forget that I have laundry on the go.

I hope this is all worth it at the end of it all. I can’t handle any more disappointment right now. Where’s that wine of the month club at? Oh, yeah, we can’t afford it right now :p

I’ve been having trouble finding things to write about on here lately, as you may have noticed. There are some things going on in my life and I’ve found that I’ve been reluctant to talk about them or write them down here, and that’s made it difficult.

My forays in therapy and my disability application have been the main things going on, but mental health especially in certain conditions is a very hot-button topic and I wasn’t sure if I was prepared mentally to out myself in that way and see what the blogsphere did with it.

I know my blog isn’t hugely popular, I don’t have a billion readers and I don’t know who a good portion of those readers are, so that makes things even more difficult for me. I have fears any time I put hand to keyboard that I’m going to wind up in a situation that I can’t handle or that if I bring up certain things that it will have negative repercussions for my family, and that’s the last thing I want to harm.

Most of my friends and close family know about this situation, but there are others that I don’t know if they would understand, and I don’t know if they read here or not, and then there would be the whole, “OMG I found out from YOUR BLOG!!!” situation…but I know that some of my family, granted most of those in that umbrella don’t even really know there is an internet let alone have access to it.

Family drama always makes things more complicated, especially when it’s just the potential for family drama hanging out there like a giant thunderhead. I don’t know if I’m fully ready to fight a storm right now.

I’ve not really gone as far as I’d like with exercise even with hubbie on days now. We’ve been adjusting to the switch and it’s not been so good for us. I don’t know if it’s the adjustment because I thought we’d gotten things settled by the end of last week, but then things have been messed up again this week. I think part of it is problems I’ve been having with medications I’m not sure what’s going on there really, but will be discussing it with therapists and the like by the end of the week…or if there’s something else going on.

I’ve been limited to doing stretching and limbering up exercises because anything more strenuous does a number on my legs and knees, it’s very frustrating, to say the least. I’d like to be able to invest in something to help out with exercising like an treadmill or something else, even an exercise bike I was pricing those at Walmart yesterday…but I daren’t consider investing the money in it if I’m not going to be able to use it for more than a couple of days it’s not worth the several hundred dollars when we have bills to pay.

We’ve been striving to improve not only our living but our impact on the environment around here. We’ve been fixing up the yard, we put up some new outdoor lighting that serves the dual function of keeping away bugs so that we can be out on the deck without getting eaten alive, we’ve put in the fire pit, and we’ve resealed our home against bugs, and so we’re not air conditioning the environment, and wasting our electricity which will help impact the environment.

As I’ve mentioned several times now my web hosting are carbon friendly, with a low imprint on the world around us, and we’re striving to not use chemicals. I’ve not used shampoo on my hair in several months now it’s not like I’m not showering, I just wash my hair with water and occasionally herbs and vinegar.

This is the only planet we’ve got we need to take care of it. I’m all for space exploration and things of that nature but for now this is the only planet we have, and I’d like it to be around so that I can reincarnate here a few more times.

I did my morning weigh-in, or should that be my Monday weigh-in, and I’m 246.6 pounds, but I’m not ready for Leptovox yet.

I’ve been logging my food for this past week on Spark People and that’s been a valuable tool. I can see when and where I’m doing things and have a good look at what’s going on. I didn’t do any exercise last week either, and that’s something that I need to start doing at least half of the week. So, that will help too. Plus there are several days that I already broke my one soda a day pledge.

We have no more Mountain Dew in the house now, and I’m NOT getting any more. I will just have to deal with it. Also I was good and the times we got pizza I only had one slice, but then yesterday my friend’s decided to order Pizza Hut’s new chocolate dipping sticks instead of cinna stix and I had several of those >_<;; bad me.

Anyway, I know what I’m doing wrong. I can fix it, and considering all that only putting on about half a pound is pretty darn good.

Well, I input my first daily meal chart into spark people this morning. Yesterday’s food, and I stayed within most of my limits. I was 65 calories over my daily limit, but I blame that on the fact that I also had two cans of Mountain Dew yesterday instead of the one I’m supposed to have. If I hadn’t had that second can I would have had plenty of “breathing room”.

Today my husband and I are going out for brunch. I had a small serving of cereal for breakfast and a glass of grape juice; and I’m going to make sure to not have soda today, especially as yesterday I only had two cups of water, when you’re supposed to try and have at least eight. We have great water in our house I have no excuse to not drink it, especially as I got reusable cups to have it in, travel cups, and also those little 0-5 calorie flavor sachets so it’s not just plain old boring water.

Anyway, really that’s not bad for my first day of sticking to things. 65 calories over for the day will be made up elsewhere during the week, but it just points out to me how much more work I have to do to keep my attitude in the right spot.