I finally got a letter from disability yesterday, as soon as Kore picked it up at the mailbox I knew that it was bad news. There didn’t seem to be enough in there for there to be anything different, and I was right. They’ve denied my claim. I shouldn’t be surprised by this because I know they pretty much automatically deny any claims right off the bat where there isn’t a clear change. If I’d been crippled or blinded or something like that it would be pretty straight forward, but especially as both my major health concerns are very difficult for people to agree upon or analyze that makes it very hard to prove that I’m incapable, especially because I can have several days where I’m fairly capable before I crash and have several more where I can barely get out of bed. It’s also hard to illustrate when I lose the capacity for cogent thought because there isn’t a video camera following me around 24/7 to show the people at the disability office the times where my husband or Kore have to coax me back in the house because I want to check the perimeter for aliens and monsters and make sure there’s nothing out there going to get me, or to decipher what’s going on when I lose all capacity for human speech.

Or the days like a few days ago when I had no sleeping pills for three days and was essentially a zombie and kept falling asleep in the middle of conversations or while trying to make things for the munchkin to eat.

We have determined that your condition is not severe enough to keep you from working. We considered the medical record and other information, your age, education, training, and work experience in determining how your condition affects your ability to work.
You state that you are disabled and unable to work because of fibromyalgia and dissociative identity disorder. We have reviewed your medical records, and they show that you are being treated for your condition. We realize that you are concerned about your health and feel that you are unable to work. However, the medical evidence show that you are able to act in your own interest and remember and follow instructions. We also realize that you may not be capable of doing heavy work; however, based on the medical records, we find that you are capable of performing work such as you have performed in the past as a cashier. Accordingly, your claim for disability is denied.
If your condition gets worse and keeps you from work, call or visit any Social Security Office about filing another application.

The letter tells me that I have 60 days from the date 5 days after the letter was mailed to file an appeal, which means 60 days starting from two days ago.

I’m just…so frustrated. I should have expected this. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up that I wouldn’t have to fight tooth and nail. It especially frustrates me because half the time I do feel as though I’m making a big fuss out of nothing and should just suck it up. But then I remember the day after day experiences where I’m in agony or the days where my son is coaxing me out of bed, and offering to carry blankets and pillows for me and telling me I should lie down. My three year old son recognizes that I’m sick and that hurts my heart.

I do want to get better…but it seems like for every step forward I wind up taking two back because I run out of insurance and can’t get treatment, can’t afford my medication despite the fact that I have the insurance, or can’t go and see my therapist more than a few times a year, so no actual work can get done unless I could afford to pay out several thousand a month for the amount of treatment I’m supposed to get.

At this point I’ve been wondering if I’d be better just dropping hubbie’s insurance and trying to appeal to Medicaid; but they’d probably tell me we make too much money. Ha!