Thanks to some poor planning and what is now two bouts with sickness I’ve gained back almost all the weight I’ve lost since the beginning of the year. I’m finding it hard to not depress myself about this. I’ve even caught myself looking for a reliable quick weight loss program despite everything I’ve previously said.

I’m trying to cling tightly to the fact that I lost it before and I can do it again. That I shouldn’t push myself when I’m not feeling well. I have some sort of sinus/chest mess that’s making it difficult for me to breathe, and which keeps giving me that sort of horribly throat painful cough that doesn’t actually shift anything. I should focus on resting and getting over this and then I’ll be better equipped to focus on the other aspects of my health.

It’s that pattern though of self-loathing which surfaces because I feel as though I’ve failed. It’s not failure though. It’s a setback. It’s falling off the bike. I just have to get back on. It’s just if you break something falling off the bike you have to wait and let that heal before you get back on the road. That’s where I’m at right now.

It seems there are still quite a few things that we need to work through when it comes to fear and paranoia. Case in point, yesterday hubbie misplaced his car keys. He couldn’t find them before he left to go somewhere so I gave him mine (he was going to be driving my car anyway) and told him I would look for the others.

This started a major panic/clean up of the house. I’d been wanting to clean up our bedroom anyway, because we have a ton of clothes over the floor again and I feel as though I’m fighting a losing battle. I suddenly understand why everyone used to make a big fuss about my room when I was growing up, though after living with my ex who was so slovenly we wound up with silver fish and mold and roaches in the sink and things like that I’ve been messy but never that bad. However, this is three times in less than a week that something hubbie needed for work has gone missing.

So, I’m done, on that score. the room is going to be tidy from now on damnit and he is going to help me.

However, the fear issue in question is the fact that I got very freaked out about the prospect of the keys being missing. We were turning the house upside down, some of this with Kore’s help trying to find the keys and it got to the point where she was going, “They keys CAN’T be in the house. They must be in his pants or in his bag or something with him. Stop looking.” and I would stop for a short while and then I would think of somewhere else to go through and check. We went through his car twice, and even through the things I had put in the shed earlier in the day.

I was freaking out because I thought he would get fired, and also because in my memory there was a time of him being really angry because I had left the keys in my purse and he could have gotten fired.

Anyway, he gets back with the keys, apparently they were on the roof his car. Some place we hadn’t thought to check and couldn’t see because it was dark out. When he pulled up in my car he’d seen them winking at him. He was concerned because I was freaked out, and I explained to him that I was worried because he would get fired, and how important the keys were because he yelled at me about them before.

He does this double-blink thing, like what? when? and I repeat and he goes, “Yeah, I remember you doing that, but when have I ever yelled at you that way? The two times I got that mad I left and came back later after I calmed down. Does that even sound like me?”

And I pause and I think and I’m going, “Did I get my wires crossed somewhere?”

And he goes, “Does it sound like me?”

And then I realize and say, “No, that sounds like the way Ami always perceived you…because she always felt like you hated her…” *head-desk* so here I was freaking out and falling into those old patterns of excess responsibility, to the point that I was ignoring my own needs (not eating dinner) because I would feel guilty if I could have found the keys and didn’t and he got in trouble. Kore tried several times to point out to me that hubbie was the one who lost the keys and should therefore find them, that it was on him, but I persisted, it became a vendetta.

I realize in the light of morning and in light of the talk that D and I had afterwards that it was partially my mis-perception. He was upset that I left the keys in my purse and left my purse outside and he did say that if they went missing he would have been fired, but angry responses from anyone that I care about have tended in the past to explode in my mind and become these huge balls of fury. There’s a tendency to dwell on the fact that I have caused this anger and it is my fault and that I should do everything in my power to avoid something like that in the future. It’s this same issue that has me constantly feeling as though I’m a lousy mother and am going to screw the munchkin up somewhere, despite all the positive experiences he has and we have together.

This also reminds me that I still and potentially always will have things I need to work on. I just have to find ways to sort them out myself.

I’m still trying to adjust to having the computer back and having floor where there once was a gaping hole of concrete. We can’t mop that area of the floor until Easter to make sure the grout has had time to dry, which is driving me a little batty. I know that this doesn’t mean that I can’t mop the rest of the floor, which really needs it, it’s just a bit awkward, especially as the hallway leads out of the bathroom and the munchkin doesn’t like to stay INSIDE the bathroom after he takes a bath, which means chasing him around a bit.

Managing tasks around the house when I have so much work to catch up on is also a little difficult. I’m trying to balance things out, and also to further weed out the things I didn’t miss while I was gone. It’s helped me kick the addiction to several facebook games that I was experiencing, and I’ve resolved that another I was playing I will only play until I have leveled up all the “magic trees” which shouldn’t be too long. I just bought the last one of the set that I need, and I should have enough points to level them within a few days.

I’m cleaning up like Anilox LOL. It’s going to help make my environment a lot nicer when I’m not worried about things which are truly unimportant. I have to look at why I measure so much worth on “winning” games and completing their puzzles. I know it’s an obsessive-compulsive trait and it’s so very hard to break out of those types of behaviors.

Still I’m so very content now that the house is “fixed” it’s a lot easier for me to look towards finishing the painting inside and out. I’ve been making a lot of plans of things to do with the bathroom and the other walls in the hallway, using the same accent color that we have on the front wall. We already have a lot of the paint we’ll need. I picked it up on clearance a while ago but just haven’t used it. There are a few spots I need to touch up on the window sill also. However to complete the outside painting I need to get more purple paint. The tub was kicked over and spilled most of the contents. At least we still have the five gallon tub of red.

It’s been a tight few weeks, given we’ve had to pay for tiling supplies and the like and try to keep up with bills when income is low due to having the computer out of commission. It’s been hard. I even debated going and begging for the gas station job back, but being in there and seeing the girls struggling because they’ve still not upgraded to the ls2208 type of credit card machines, and one being down and being cash only at the register, and all the fuss and hassle they were getting from customers about that. I was glad that I didn’t.

We’ve made it through, it’s just not been fun. I at least managed to get several things done before the computer went completely useless and I was greeted with several design commissions when I came back so I’m slowly working my way through those. Hopefully we can come up with something really neat for our Ostara special on the tarot site, and I can actually get some decent shots taken of the few jewelry pieces that I made during the down time also. I really want to get things off the ground but it’s hard. I can only work on things for so long before someone gets bored and takes over to do something more fun, or my hands seize up and I can’t manipulate the beads and chains and clasps any more.

So, yes, the computer is back. Not the laptop, but FrankenStan has risen from the ashes of Stan’s stroke and heart attack, after having a brain transplant and is currently readjusting and regaining at least some of his memory and data.

He runs slooooooow, but he runs and that’s all he really has to do. Let me fix some graphics, and connect to the net, and occasionally grace us with some music.

In other random asides, our psychiatrist told us to try a certain over the counter allergy medication on nights when we have trouble sleeping. On the back of the box it says: WARNING: Do not use to make children sleepy.

Max being Max comments, “Now does that count inside children?”

Which set off this whole big debate. We have had different reactions to medication at different times. NyQuil, for example, if Max takes NyQuil makes him absolutely hyper. However non-drowsy Tylenol drops him like a rock. The last time Rat was let anywhere near medicine she was loopy, probably hallucinating or just being totally bats not quite sure. Somewhere in there is the time that she called hubbie at work, no less, and told him there was a golden armadillo crawling across the ceiling moving from room to room through the sprinkler system…yeah, fun times.

So, now I’m going o.O should I take this??? On the upside hubbie is home, and I’ve decided I’m only going to take one, not the two it suggests on the box, because it’s a whole big world out there and I do not need to be a five year old running down our street trying to catch flying penguins.

We’ve been having some issues over the past week, once again with the sleep disruption and just feeling more than a little drained and tetchy, it’s been a bad combination of things. The lack of computer with it’s prospects of “ruining us financially”, Max working through some rather sticky issues, and that certain time of the month that all females get, combined with some rather dumb things going on in our social circle has made things more than a little difficult.

We really hadn’t realized how much we rely on a group of online friends for support until we could not have access to them. It’s like having ipods and then losing all your music, in a way, maybe that’s a bad analogy. I mean, I know the friends are still there, but I can’t talk to them. We no longer have a phone that can call some of them given they’re in other countries, and others don’t have phones or we don’t know the phones and snail mail letters take so long to get to them. We have local friends and family, of course, but there are some things that just can’t be discussed with them the same way, because it would take too long to explain all the back history and the back story which the online ka-tet already know.

Anyway the end of the week has seen things coming together a lot better, which is good. We managed to finally get the taxes filed and had the pleasant surprise that rather than only getting $30 back we’re actually getting around $200. The paperwork has already been approved by the IRS and we should get our refund around our wedding anniversary which is nice. Then an online friend has offered to help me out with the computer issue, so I should only be without a computer for a couple of days which is just so wonderful; and right now I’m catching up on things before Kore takes her computer up to G’ville for a week given she’ll be on spring break as of Monday, and a friend is over working on our tile.

Mum and I got to have a nice lunch out yesterday. She wanted to go for sushi so I recommended Kiku Steakhouse where my FIL had taken us several days earlier for his birthday, and I must say we had the best gyoza I’ve ever had and the sushi, well the last time I’ve had sushi that good was when we went there the Monday before.

I’ve found out that our old desktop may yet get fixed, but I’m not holding my breath with it. It tends to give the illusion of working and then die again a few short days later, at least we may be able to get the rest of the information off it before it does. Fingers crossed. It’s just a matter of having the money to pay the guy who is trying to fix it ;_; if that’s the case. Given what little we had left this week has gone for grout and tile spacers and twelve 16-inch tile squares.

Just quick. I still have the computer, but it’s near constant screen scrolling is making it very difficult to do anything. I’m almost finished with the back up though so soon it will be being sent to the original manufacturer and we’ll see what happens from there.
It’s frustrating us on many levels. We hadn’t realized how much we rely on online friends for certain kind of support. While relatives and friends here are supportive there are many things they just don’t get because they’ve never experienced it.

I know that I’ve complained before about support groups and their drama, and that’s not what I’m talking about needing here. I’m talking about friends on livejournal who understand not only the multiplicity aspect, but also the past lives aspect of things that we relate to and have interest in. For I can discuss things with them when Kore’s in school or busy with assignments and things.

On the upside knocking the computer down to essential use only is helping in other aspects, it’s forcing me to do the actual weaning away from Facebook games distraction and things like that I’ve been trying to do previously and failing miserably at, because whenever I’ve gotten stressed I’ve gone right back to it, and let’s face it day to day you deal with a lot of stress. Now I can’t because if I try it slows the computer down on it’s back-up process or it is too frustrating due to the way the screen reacts. The only thing I’ve allowed myself to do is periodically check one game known as “country story” to harvest the trees, but as they die off I have not planted any more.

I’ve been transferring a lot of the urgent email I might get to my gmail accounts so they can be checked from my phone. So the tarot business now has it’s own gmail account and I’m going to look and see if there are any groups I need to switch to that, but I doubt it. I weaned off a lot of the groups and only added one support forum back which I’ve been meaning to ditch again, but can’t get into the groups setting to do so.

As you might imagine the site re-design for here is only hold until further notice. I’m glad I managed to get A Joyful Path done before this started. However, the charity features I’ve been planning to do and the other things have to wait until the computer is working better.

I’ve decided the best mothers day gift I could hope for would be a properly working computer. This one is at least not randomly scrolling and thanks to the people at the warranty place it will now turn on BUT it’s still not fixed, and apparently I have to send it into the OEM first and then if they don’t fix it I have to send it to the warranty people, so who knows how long I’m going to be without the computer.

I’m more than a little stressed out.
Here’s hoping things work out. Wish me luck!

How I was someone was offering laptop keyboards as promotional items right now. The computer is going screwier, which is impeding my ability to back things up. I’m sure I’ll get it. I have to, it’s just making getting things done that I need to do before I can send it in really difficult, and I’m sorely tempted just to throw it through a window; but that would really void the warranty.

I can get perhaps a sentence of typing done and then screen starts scrolling like a computer possessed, and I have to tap random keys on the actual laptop keyboard to get it to stop so that I can continue writing on the plug-in one. On the up side I found my old copy of Nero 7 which is really helping me back up and burn the contents of the hard drive even if it is slow. Slow is better than nothing and the interface is a lot easier than the generic windows one.

We’re finally going to get the tiling done in the house! I’m so excited.
It has been irritating me for a while that the tile was not fixed, but especially with the prospect of another friend moving in and renting from us it was decided that the tile had to get done, because it’s just been let slide and let slide and it’ll soon be almost a year since the floor got torn up in the hall. We’ve clearly got the air conditioner under control now, so it needs to be fixed.

A friend had said he would help us with it. He had drawn hubbie in our secret santa draw, so he pledged two days of manual labor as the gift, which were to be used for the tiling, given we know that we would just make it worse if we tried to do it by ourselves.

So, last night Max vocalized to said friend that we had been rumbling about the tile again and he said, “I was just waiting for you guys to tell me when…” so that is that, and it’s scheduled to start next Saturday and go on to next Sunday. Not only is it going to get done, but he has several pallets of very similar tile leftover from his house and some water proof epoxy grout that he is bringing to help us out.

We did some measuring last night and working out an estimate of how many tiles we’d need and we should have enough, especially as some of the tile taken out is still fairly intact and can be cleaned and cut to fill in the areas that are too small for a full size piece of tile. We didn’t need to do cad drawings but we will have to take a leaf out of those when it comes to walling off the loft to turn it into our future house mates room.

I will probably have to get another bucket of thin set and will probably have to get some blades for their tile saw, but things are looking up. I’m definitely happy about this. To have the house back together will really help my frame of mind.