Faith in Echoes

This is not to say that we’re transgender, let’s get that out of the way first, because we’re not transgender all the time. Our ratio is currently three guys to five or six women/girls. Given us guys is myself, Jay and Max, and then we have Faith, Rose, Yana, Rachel, Kiddy and Katyana? This is just some thing I was thinking about last night and decided I would write up as there’s a whole bunch of “we should write more” “we should write about whatever and we should do it in depth because it will help someone” and then some of us hedge and still don’t despite apparently pledging and pledging publicly to do just that. You really can’t and shouldn’t step “out of the closet” and then go back in and peek out occasionally, at least that’s my opinion.

My point last night during our internal discussion was that I think the luckiest way to be as a male in a woman’s body is to be a bisexual male in a woman’s body, you get the best of all the worlds on that score, particularly in being in a relationship with an open-minded straight man. I’m sure there are some who would disagree with me, but that depends on their personal situation. As far as I’m concerned I’m in a great spot and I’m striving to enjoy every minute of it. I also say this based on my observations on how others of us are handling it.

You see there’s my brother, who is a straight guy. He deals with the situation but it’s more in a “suffers through it”. He has things that he helps with and can do really well, like make yorkshire pudding, do dishes, make psychic predictions and run his game but there are many, many things about the situation that freak him out and make him uncomfortable such as being married to a guy, the prospect or brief times that said guy expresses affectionate feelings towards us not realizing that Jay is the one fronting and anything to do with taking care of the body with regards to things such as periods grosses him out which I am starting to understand. However there are other things he doesn’t do or deal with well such as even going to the bathroom or showering.
It’s not all bad for Jay but he has it worst out of us guys. He and D can at least chit-chat about hot girls from time to time but both of them prefer to keep the socializing to times when Jay is running a game so that there’s less awkward PDA situations and things like that.

Then we have Max, he’s slightly better equipped to deal with our situation given he likes guys and has no trouble with exchanging affection with D or interacting with him in sexual situations. Though there are some aspects of female-male sex which some times weird him out and make him uncomfortable. I won’t go into much more specifics than that.

However, and honestly I’m not sure how much of this has to do with my personality than my sexual preferences; but for me the whole scenario is just a great learning experience and I’m enjoying the entire length of it. I can deal with the shower, with most of the other things, however the period thing is a little freaky, I’ll admit. Still so many of the things that go on between man and woman are extremely enjoyable even if they are from a different angle, and in essence it’s the best of both worlds appreciating the feminine form from the masculine perspective as well as the opposing side.

I’m approaching my birthday. It’s in four days. This is my physical birthday. The one that is properly celebrated. Given I consider my birthday is June 21st for example, and Jared and J.C. claim October 7th. So, we celebrate our physical entry into the world, of course, on the day that it actually happened. Still celebrations are nice, though a little weird.
Hubbie has arranged to have a party on the day after my birthday at a friend’s house which has the potential to be a lot of fun. The idea of gifts always confuses me. I’m not much for baubles. If I need a watch I’ll get a $10 one from Wal-mart instead of a Girard Perregaux. I can never think of anything that I could possibly need or want that isn’t hideously expensive. Right now my car is my main concern and paying of credit card bill. Hubbie always tells me that birthdays are about getting fun things; stuff that you want rather than stuff that you need, but I have a lot of things that I can do for fun. I play games on Facebook. I have games on the computer like Puzzle Quest, Plants vs. Zombies, the Sims. We get to go to movies every once in a while, and when we don’t there’s Netflix and On Demand cable, and various PlayStation games that I still haven’t finished.
One of our friends remarked the other day that I’m easier to buy things for because there’s bound to be someone in here that will actually like it. Still I think for me I’d prefer fixes to issues that we already have. Fun times with friends. I’m really blessed in many ways. Friends that we can be ourselves around. Family that are decent close by.

by J.C.

It’s been a while since we’ve posted and that’s entirely my fault. Once I finish that I should clarify that I am J.C. I am the newbie, and since I’ve been making all these adjustments to this life certain things have gone by the wayside, particularly my internet usage. I’m averse to the whole twitter thing, and facebook I only mildly tolerate. I tried to catch up on all the Farmville, Frontierville? related things this morning, and it’s just…why? If I’m going to play a game I’d rather it be DOA or something like that where you at least get to kill things in interesting ways. Though I admit I am liking this Sims game purely from the whole “getting to eff with my brother” aspect of it.

I’ve been told, and have agreed, that if I’m going to be around I will make efforts to keep up with the blogs, and given this one I can actually “be myself” on then so be it; plus it actually earns us money so that’s an added plus.

Adjusting is different, aside from the whole “woah I’m a chick” factor which is alternately freaky and awesome there are certain things about the body which are a bit tricky to deal with, for example the first few days I was here I was all, “Woo I’m going to get up and I’m going to go jogging.” No, I didn’t. I did manage after that first day to work on the Wii Fit some but the past two days I’ve gotten out of bed and promptly fallen over, and crawled to the couch and laid there for a few hours trying to work out why things don’t work the way they’re supposed to and what can be done about it. I was warned by both Mom and our room mate “Kore” that the body would kick me in the head for trying to exert myself too much and well, I guess there we have it. I apparently have to take things slow because of this spoon-thing, and I’m used to having a TON of spoons, if not an infinite supply and right now I have no clue how many this body actually has so I keep screwing it up. So, I stay out to deal with that because it’s my fault.

Still I’m having fun getting to know the husband, and him getting to know me, experiencing this bold new world blah-blah. Yesterday was the third day I’ve ever driven so that was neat, and we stopped by “Perkins” and saw the “Inception” movie which is really, really good. Though I can see where it might be a bit much for some people given some of the subject matter relating to suicide.

Anyway, hello to everyone! I think I have to actually make a better Sim of myself and post up my little bio thing in a bit. Plus there are dishes to do and all sorts of other things.

It’s toe to toe on that. There are some of us who want to keep picking and scabs and others who want to just move on. What happened happened and no amount of picking is going to change that and there’s a good chance that it will make it hurt more.

I’m trying to find an analogy but I’m having a hard time. I was trying to think of something tied in with not taking prenatal vitamins or what, but really picking at scabs is the only way I can properly analogize it; because really it causes scars and things which have happened to me have caused scars, but they’re different and really re-opening old wounds…and all the rest of it. I really think it’s better for us to focus on the living from day to day. We have enough trials and tribulations with that. I may be preaching to the choir on that score but it’s the thing that keeps coming back in my head; and these things resonate for a reason.

You see we’ve been having a bit of an internal rearrange again which I find interesting as this one was not designed or planned as my integration was. Though I’m not sure if this is an integration or just an evolution. You see when we first went to college we had an alter who at the time we thought was a facet or a channel but realize now was an alter. He was Myeda, a shaman, and Jay or Jared seems to have evolved from him. Now with this we’re not sure exactly how it’s happening, if he’s evolving from one alter specifically or if two are merging; but we’ll see. The fact of the matter is that he’s definitely got a more upbeat and positive way of dealing with certain things, and actually dealing with them. He may be a clown but he still wants to process things as they come up and at the same time enjoy himself. So, we’ll see what happens.

I didn’t realize it had been five days since I updated; but then it’s been a bit of a crazy weekend. We’ve had people staying over and there’s been a lot of things going on internally which I’ll talk about on here once they’re stabilized a bit more. I’ve rambled about it on livejournal.

Well, the bank thing did indeed get itself sorted out. Though now AmEx sent me an email saying that they didn’t get the payment by the due date, which is now two months in a row they’ve said that even though I know that I paid them and the due dates are usually the 12th, last month it was two days late, I believe but this month it was paid on the 9th. So, I’m going to have to call them and see what’s going on, especially as we only have a month or so left on their payment program and so I’m wondering what the payments are going to go up to or if I can get us into a different payment program.

I’ve been doing a bit more graphic designing over the past few days though. Icons, a few layouts and also this thing for a friend that I’m working on. That one is all hush-hush.

In other random things I’m excited that “Warehouse 13″ is back and “Haven” actually looks pretty neat. I caught the first few minutes of it just now and wound up staying here and watching the whole thing. It just grabbed me, but then I’m a sucker for “Stephen King”.

Our electric bill is $275. It’s gone up $15 since last month, which isn’t really so bad as far as month to month, but last year it was only $215 or so. I’m going to try and do another scrimmage around and see what we can sort out as far as energy saving. Our bills have climbed in summer before, but the highest they’ve been … has still been well under $250. I dread to think what it would be though if I hadn’t switched out all the bulbs for energy saver and been disconnecting appliances when I can remember.

Anyway, we should get some sleep.

The thyroid meds do seem to be helping with energy and everything. Though the few pounds I lost has stopped. I need to actually get back in the exercise groove. I keep saying it and it keeps not happening. Though I’ve been waking up fairly well the past few days so that’s been a good thing. I just need to get my sleep regulated once more. That will help a lot.

I don’t handle stress entirely well. I’ve known this for quite some time. However every once in a while I get reminded; when things happen such as this morning.
There I was filtering through all the prototype 37c reviews, viagra offers, and Nigerian bank scams and finding random messages from relatives across the pond when Mum called and the conversation reminded me that I had to check the bank.

The bank showed me -$125 which freaked me out as that would mean more overdraft fees and I don’t want to get into that vicious cycle again.

I think we’ve sorted it out now. I’ve managed to go and deposit a rent check despite the fact that my car isn’t working. This is thanks in no small part to Mum coming and rescuing me. However I’m still disturbed and not at rights and won’t be until tomorrow when the overdrafts don’t happen (as the teller said they shouldn’t). I dislike these things greatly though. My stomach hasn’t been doing well the past few days thanks to a virus and an allergy flare up and here we are getting stressed with goes right to the stomach too.

At least I hadn’t planned on going anywhere and spending anything today.

It’s been a less than fun day in the house. I’ve been trying to get some work done all day but unfortunately I’ve been impeded by my own body. This is not a normal health issue, or should I say at least not one that I generally deal with from day to day. It’s not something that you can just look for the eye cream that works and slob it on either.

This is the Garlic Allergy. Du-da-da-daaah.

I’m not entirely sure what causes it but then it started a few years ago, and it just seems to be that if I eat too much garlic over a few days I have drastic stomach issues and am then wrung out the next day and barely able to eat, which is what today has been. It was two p.m. before I could stand without being dizzy, and just after seven before I could eat much more than a quarter of a sandwich. Though things have been staying down all day so that’s something.

Still it means that I’m a little behind on some things, though there are others that I was already ahead on so I think I can give myself a bit of leeway. I’m still taking it slowly and will be tomorrow too; but at least tomorrow hubbie’s off work and has plans to take the munchkin out into the yard to do some work.

I’ve been a little quiet for the past few days because I’ve been split between doing things with family and working on Shades of Blue. It’s taken me a while but I actually felt up to doing some web design for fun, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. I’m also in shock as to how many pictures I actually had for the gallery. I’m glad that I was able to upload a Coppermine photo gallery tool and not have to sit there and thumbnail all the pictures as I have in the past, as I have over 2000 pictures in there, and more that I’ll need to make to fill in the gaps of the original series screen shots that I don’t have done yet.

We discovered today another way that people can tell the difference between us: singing.
We went to do the grocery shopping with Mum today. It was her, me and the munchkin in the car, and on the way there the munchkin went into his repertoire of nursery rhymes. He sang “The Grand Ol’ Duke of York” and then the alphabet and then he was trying to think of other things to sing and settled on “Morning Has Broken” Mum was surprised about this one but Max has a varied stock of both irreverent and religious songs that he runs through and “Morning Has Broken” is one that he has sung for the munchkin, which is ironic as it’s usually a bed time song when it is sung to him.

So, we all three sang that with the munchkin and then he wanted it sung again so we sang it with him. However, I, am never sure of the lyrics and I didn’t quite realize it was a somewhat co-conscious moment for a little while were I was still aware but was not actually the one singing as we finished up the verse.

Mum remarked that there was a tonal shift, and Max went, “Huh? Really??”

So, then there was a bit of tongue in cheek about Max being out and not being directly recognized and all the rest of it; but it got us internally thinking and I realize that there are some of us who don’t sing. Jay really doesn’t/can’t. There’s been some talk of the fact that he is “not musical”. Kiddy likes to dance but she doesn’t really like to sing other than singing along to Shakira, to a point, when she dances–though a lot of that tends to get mangled because none of us speak Spanish. We “clepped” out of language arts after our first year in US schools because we’d had seven years of French and six years of German in the United Kingdom. Unfortunately that also means our linguistic ear is very out of practice.

Anyway, the point was that we realize different ones of us sing differently. I think part of that is to do with confidence in the singing ability/musical ear. Our voice is out of practice but we’re not entirely out of tune. We have the Rock Band ratings to prove it (;P) but at the same time apparently there’s a slight tonal difference, and Jay is apparently very flat when he sings and really doesn’t like to do so but will make an exception and sing “The Alphabet” with the munchkin on game-running nights where he has to put the munchkin to bed. Hubbie doesn’t sing when he takes the munchkin, but none of us can get out of it because it’s something the rest of us have done almost every night. I think the only times it hasn’t happened are those when he’s fallen asleep in the car and not really woken up properly when going to bed. If we’re completely indisposed or not here (on the rare evening date nights) Kore will sing to him. He’s finally starting to grasp that the songs that Kore sings to him we don’t necessarily know as she has a different repertoire, but that’s a different story.

On the other hand I don’t know why it’s surprising to me that we have different singing voices when a lot of us have different speaking voices as well.

Every once in a while I remember random events from the past. I’ve been reflecting a lot on school times with the munchkin getting ready to start school in August. I have to wonder what the munchkin will go through based on what I experienced.

I also wonder what the differences will be. When I was in school we had the HSCT, the PSAT, the SAT and the ASVAB. I’m not sure which of those still exists, and from what I understand of the SAT it’s changed a great deal. His sat prep will be very different from the one that I had to do. Mine was just math and English, I believe the new one has science involved as well. So, I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help him with this studying with my old prep books. I have to look into different ways, but at the same time I’m getting ahead of myself. He’s only four. That’s over a decade before he has to actually take these tests.

This portion of his schooling though I’m ill-prepared for. My elementary school days were spent in England where things are drastically different. I already know that one of the main differences are these “science fairs”. We never had anything like that when I was in school, nor did we really do “show and tell” all these things are difficult to comprehend.